2013

…and today went back to massive suckage. I was alone in the room and everything fell apart and they had to call in a bunch of other teachers from other rooms which is just BEYOND HUMILIATING, they had to leave their own classrooms and help me out because I am the worst.

I don’t even know what to put on this post today.

1. K slept today. It was the second time I’ve ever seen him sleep and not throw things during naptime.

2. A fraction of the crying was cathartic, I suppose.

3. One of my co-workers was very kind to me. She was there for me when I really needed it and (literally) gave me a shoulder to cry on, and this is someone I barely know, so…I appreciated that a lot. But also ended up feeling like an even bigger burden.

4. Got my bulletin board up, disinfected all the things, things went back to normal at naptime, as they do. Of course.

5. It’s Friday, guys, it is FRIDAY and I…am going to spend all weekend prepping for next week. >.<

Why Teaching is Awesome—5/9/2013

1. Oh my goodness, today was amazing! They brought in a substitute to help as my assistant and having that extra support was GREAT. It made all the difference just to have another person in the room. Plus today was the day for one of the specialists to come in to work one-on-one with some of the kids, so we had lots of adults in the room, and they were adults who actually cared about the kids. Yay! So the others were helping with the one or two kids who were acting out at the time, and I actually felt like I was TEACHING and :) I still had the usually tantrums from the usual suspects, but having the other teachers there and not the judgmental eyes of my co-teacher…it felt like maybe, just maybe, the tantrums were symptoms and things that I couldn’t immediately control, and that maybe I was doing the best I could, since the other, more experienced, teachers were also struggling. Maybe it really is just that I’m a new teacher who came in at the end of the year to replace a stellar teacher who the kids had gotten to know and love over the course of the year, and maybe they’re just having a lot of trouble adjusting. I have a role to play in that—the kids have been getting a lot of mixed messages from me and from my co-teacher on behavioral expectations so of course they’re going to be acting out even more, but. I needed today a lot. It reminded me why I’m doing this, and I haven’t had that reminder in a long, long time.

2. Morbid but a story worth telling, yesterday one of the teachers brought out a doll to be played with outside. A girl decided to take on a babysitting role, but something went HORRIBLY wrong and the doll “died” and today the same girl spent all of recess digging a grave O_O KIDS. WHAT EVEN.

3. I had planning time and I actually felt like it was safe to be creative and so I worked on my bulletin board for next week. Unfortunately, the bulletin board is not at eye-level for the kids, which is just…annoying, so chances to make the bulletin board interactive are slim. I made a big construction paper school bus since next week is the last week and they are transitioning to KG. If anyone has any ideas to transform it into an interactive bulletin board, they’d be greatly appreciated!

4. I don’t know, just the entire day seemed so much free-er. I was much less focused on the “mistakes” I was making, as seen by my co-teacher, and more on, y’know, TEACHING. Loved it. Just like the kids, I am extremely affected by the unsafe emotional environment created by this woman :(

5. So on top of (or maybe because of) the anxiety I was experiencing about teaching alone today, I left all my detailed plans and other paperwork at home. *facepalm* By the time I realized this driving to work, it was too late to turn around and grab the stuff. But I managed to improvise and write up another detailed lesson plan in the morning before the kids showed up, and things went WELL. Hooray! I’m getting the routines down! ~~Of course, in my forgetfulness, I ended up leaving my phone at work so there’s that.~~

I realize that my mood is far too dependent on external factors and I need to work on that badly but for now, :)

Why Teaching is Awesome—5/8/2013

1. EVERYONE, every last child of 15, fell asleep during nap today. They woke up totally groggy and it was the most peaceful end to a school day ever WHY IS THIS NOT THE NORM. I am so panicked about tomorrow and Friday, I’ll be on my own gahhhh panicpanicpanic.

2. Finished lesson plans for next week, turned them in.

3. Got most of the stuff ready for next week’s last day picnic.

4. Center time went okay, even with the other teacher out of the room for extended periods of time. I kept a few kids occupied with some games, some of the others were drawing and others still broke up the felt board, and they just…split themselves into groups that work well together, rather than children who do not get along spending 45 minutes having a screaming slash crying match.

5. I mean, I suppose that even though tomorrow is terrifying, I still do love having the classroom to myself. It’s just transitions and when 16 kids simultaneously are in conflicts that things get out of control and I really…don’t have the kids’ attention, they do not see me as an authority figure at all and just ignore everything I say so that’s fun. *sigh* One more week. But I’m excited for some of the activities we have planned for the next few days, it’s just a matter of getting to implement them without the repeated humiliation of having to get other teachers to basically manage my class for me because I’m too incompetent.

Why Teaching is Awesome—5/7/2013

1. We have kindergarten transition P/T conferences that were sprung on us at the last minute and I was so worried about them, but I knocked out four today, three will be done with the Spanish speaking director, leaving me with eight to go. I can do this!

2. It’s my week to assist and my co-teacher’s week to teach, so things have been relaxed and I needed that so badly. She’s taking Thursday and Friday off though and I’m dreading it/desperately hoping I can get someone to help me out, because really, there’s no way to lead circle time, wash tables, and distribute toothpaste all at the same time.

3. I kind of passive aggressively (I know, I know) snapped back at my co-teacher again. When she told me to stop comforting a crying child, I just plain refused. I don’t actually care if you think the child is being manipulative, I’m not going to ignore him when he has totally developmentally legitimate reasons for crying.

4. Almost done with lesson plans for next week, wheee! I’m anxious because it’s the last week of school and I’ve never done that before, but we’ll see how it goes.

5. Not even going to lie, my top reason why teaching today was awesome would be the amazing lunch we had today?? It was Spanish chicken and rice, and I’ve never had it before and it was DELICIOUS. Seconds all around! (Plus, I was vindicated in my belief that we should be doing cafeteria style lunches for KG prep. Sigh okay all of this negativity between my co-teacher and myself is really not good for anyone involved or remotely near us…but all in all, a day I left school without crying.)

I’m just going to rant okay? okay.

I am having all of the classroom management issues and today I heard from a ridiculous number of sources that the kids never acted up so much when the previous teacher was around, and it’s like, OH, nothing has changed, EXCEPT THIS ONE NEW TEACHER who has NO IDEA what she’s doing and I’m so freaking scared that at this point. Yeah, perseverance is one thing and maybe if I had support and guidance, this would be a different post, but as it stands, I am hurting these kids by being there and there’s two weeks left and it would legitimately be a blessing if I just disappeared??

The fact that my co-teacher and I just have radically different teaching styles is HURTING them. When one teacher says one thing and then two seconds later the other says the opposite, of course the kids are going to be wound up and confused on top of my utter incompetence at doing anything right with them.

I am regularly raising my voice at kids. I told myself a long long time ago that if there ever comes a time where I am raising my voice and not looking forward to spending time with my students, I need to find something else to do with my life. I used to love spending time with kids. What HAPPENED?? :(

One of my biggest pet peeves in working with kids is people who deny children the right to have their own emotions. So naturally I don’t do so well when my co-teacher yells at kids to stop crying. Gah.

Anyways, I’m looking up alternatives, and they’re all like, be patient with the child, offer them a blanket or stuffed animal, sit with them in a secluded area until they’re ready to talk, etc, but there’s no way she’d let me do any of that. I’ve tried, and she accuses me of “babying” the children and tells me to stop, that they’ll just take advantage of me. GAHHHH. I am so frustrated, I don’t even know. I can read all the articles on co-teaching I want, but in the end, it involves honest conversations between two open and willing parties who just want what’s best for the kids and…I don’t know how to do that.

Why Teaching is Awesome—4/24/2013

1. Oh boy. Today was…something else. I was alone, my co-teacher was out, and everything was chaos because I suck. Wheee. So this post is extra important to keep me on track today. Today is definitely awesome, because despite a notsome co-teacher, my other co-workers are wonderful caring people who were able to step in today, and instead of just taking over my class, they took the time to teach me some pointers and let me observe their classrooms to get more ideas. Wow. Wow wow wow. So in a situation where I’d ordinarily be over-the-top depressed and wanting to give up, right now I’m feeling kind of hopeful??

2. I finished my lesson plans for next week and I’m pretty excited. Going to add in some extras just for time fillers, since that seems to be my downfall. That, and transitions. Holy wow, how do you even.

3. So despite things imploding with power struggles, parts of my day went EXTREMELY smoothly. We got through arrivals, breakfast, circle time, jobs, calendar, lunch, nap, snack, and pickup almost hitch-free. I need to work on bathroom transitions, and I need to work on free choice/group, and I need to work on Music but other than that, under the circumstances, I’m not failing completely and I need to remember that to keep myself in perspective. Things are not ALL bad. There are aspects that I need to work on and improve, but things are not all bad.

4. One of my girls who speaks primarily Spanish got a little hurt during recess today, and without ANYONE asking him, one of my boys came over and translated for us. <3

5. My co-teacher does not want any of the kids playing with toys during naptime, but in the state laws and also common sense, it states that if a child does not fall asleep within a reasonable amount of time, they should be offered a quiet alternative activity. I gave one of the boys who was having a tough time falling asleep a stuffed animal, and within five minutes, he was hugging the bear and fast asleep. Welp.

Why Teaching is Awesome—4/22/2013

1. I got to assist today, which would ordinarily be annoying but I needed that break so badly today.

2. We got to spend time with the 3 year olds in the afternoon while their teacher had some planning time. There were only 6 of them, and most of them left quickly so it ended up being 2 teachers, 2 kids, and that was pretty sweet. The other teacher also clearly knows her stuff and her room was awesome and it was neat to see the activities she was doing with her kids. I really want to pick her brain.

3. I got to actually lesson plan during the day, which was pretty awesome. My plans for next week are almost done. Despite telling me the kids had not done sea life as a unit yet when I asked for unit suggestions so I wasn’t repeating…the same teacher I had previously asked told me they HAD done it already?? wut! Confused. Whatever. She said it can serve as reinforcement and my activities will hopefully be different? Considering I’m getting mine from a bunch of random and obscure sources, hopefully things won’t be too annoying and repetitive? But anyways, I really love lesson planning is my point and I missed it and I am pretty excited to see how it goes, though I think I may be going overboard.

4. We had a small group of kids today and I was assisting, so I actually got to spend TIME talking to the kids. I should be able to do that on a daily basis, but. Yeah. It was so great.

5. Things just went way better than I expected, and I think…I don’t agree with my co-teacher’s teaching and discipline styles, but there are some things she does more effectively than I do as a result of working with the system for 20 years. She knows how to fill small gaps of time MUCH better than I do with like, rhymes and fingerplays and stuff like that, so things ran much more smoothly than they would have gone for me, which did allow me that extra time to talk to the kids without having to raise my voice.

Why Teaching is Awesome—4/19/2013

1. My little shy one is starting to open up and participate in class :) He is the absolute sweetest! We were reading a bilingual book, and since neither my co-teacher nor I speak/understand Spanish, he was a huge help!

2. My co-teacher was gone for the last few hours and they were the best hours I’ve had at this school except the kids were gone so I didn’t get to teach well. But I got to go around the classroom and actually LEARN about my own kids, getting to read IEPs and basics on curriculum/planning, things she does not want me touching.

3. I mean, hey, first week of lead teaching done, and the kids were incredible. I wish I wish I wish I could implement some of the cool things I want to do in the classroom but. Not happening.

4. We made these really neat wet/dry chalk “paintings”, just white chalk dipped in water, used on black construction paper. Super cool texture/results. Kids loved it!

5. ahhh, we did the Hokey Pokey, we read some books, we went over our opposites and the kids GET IT which is so cool to see, I just love working with kids SO MUCH??

It occurred to me today how the phrase “listen to your teacher” has two very different meanings. For many teachers I’ve worked with, it means “listen to and obey without question” where with others it mostly just means, you know, the bare bones, just listening to basic directions and keeping the work child-centric.